Who Am I?

I find that with each trip back to America no matter where in the states I visit or who I see even with the euphoria of shopping my favorite shops, eating my favorite foods, and catching up with loved ones fades the feeling of I don't belong here sneaking in. It's something that I've often struggled with, but with each trip and the time on my 5 year clock ticking away I find that the concern continues to grow and it is a reality that I will have to face.

Don't get me wrong- spending time with family and friends is amazing. It's a reminder that there are people out there that have known me for more than just the past few years. It's a reassurance that there are in fact places I can talk about by name, rather than a geographic reference of "south of San Francisco" or describing a restaurant that made huge cakes that would be often consumed at dinner.

And for those that I've met since moving overseas the same applies- our little micro environment facilitates this acceleration of friendship. We understand the hardships of overseas living: resetting breakers daily during summer, restructuring our schedules to be able to eat out, cultural differences. We also understand that these are just minor setbacks for all we gain with the opportunity. We have our own language filled American terms/nicknames for everything but still maintain the lo siento and vale in our vocabs.

But what about the in between? I've never really been an one or another girl when it comes to things. I want ice cream with my cake. I'll get up extra early just to make sure that I can get everything done in a single day. I'll work a trade with my meal partner to make sure I can try the other dish I was looking at. Figuring out how to blend my lives from each location has always been a mystery to me.

Until recently.

Sitting in a restaurant overhearing several languages, looking at a menu with Italian, Spanish, & American traditional dishes in addition to a few surprises like tofu and falafels this feeling that I struggle often with was beautifully illustrated in front of me- right down to the Italian waiter living in Portugal with his Italian-American wife running this very much hipster restaurant!

At this point there is no blending the various life experiences I've had. And that's OK. There is no point trying to mix it all together...it would just get lost. Time to take the example found in the restaurant and mix-match my life.

Let's face it- I'll always want tofu (and other "hippie food"), my purses will be Italian (as will my driving), and for the foreseeable future that wine in my cup will be Spanish.